Of Horrible Teacups and Tuesdays
by Darkness.got.me
Summary: Totally messed up Harry Potter fiction including everything my weird mind wanted to cram in there, icluding Voldemort drinking tea and house-elves high on cereal. Made due to boredom. rated T because it's too twisted for minors XD


_DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING BUT MY OWN TWISTED BRAIN!_

_A/N: Alright. Let's do this!!_

_Harry: I'm the main character, right?_

_Me: Yes._

_Harry: So, I'm like the head character?_

_Me: yes._

_Harry: so, of all the characters, I'm the one that's in this the most?_

_Me: yes._

_Harry: Will you force me to fall in love with an OC?_

_Me: no. Me hate OC's they shall all perish._

_Harry: No Mary-sue?_

_Me: NO!!! MARY-SUES SHALL DIE A PAINFUL DEATH!!! I WILL DESTROY THEM ALL!! EVIL CREATURES!!!!!_

_Harry: …ok then._

_Me: -rants on about mary-sues-_

_Xxxxxxxxxx Line. Please respect that.. or perish. xxxxxxxxxX_

Settling down in an armchair by the common room fire place, Harry James Potter stretched out his leg, trying to relax after a long days worth of hard work.

Work to remain sane, that is.

This, seemingly innocent Tuesday had been hell and beyond it, making the struggle to remain reasonable almost impossible.

Harry fumed with anger. Damn them, damn them all to hell!! ("Them": We can't go!! We've got a restraining order!!! *sad puppy faces*)

Anyway… let's get on with the story, shall we?

It had all started, on a stormy October night… or well, actually it was a beautiful sunny morning of May, the kind of morning that you just wake up with a smile on your face after a good nights long, refreshing sleep.

But do they let him enjoy, this peace and quietness? Nooo, Harry "the magnificent" Potter, Harry "the savior" Potter is not allowed such luxury.

For once in his life, he is not troubled by grims, scars, Dark Lords with intentions of taking over the world, Philosophers stones, whispers of murder, love problems, O.W.L exams, toad-like ministry loving professors, greasy haired professors with a bad childhood and a crush on his dead mother, dementors, the past in general, weird wizard tournaments where people expect him to survive _and_ make a show of it, death eaters, old "friends" of his dead father, horcruxes, quidditch games, himself, snakes, giant spiders, giant half-brothers, basilisks, gossip about him being all from a liar to the heir of Slytherin, bullying cousins, bullying aunt's and uncle's, and other things that might have been left out in this rant, so for _once_ one would think that he could get some time to _sleep peacefully_.

Of course not! He just had to be woken up by that idiot with red hair and freckles who had proclaimed himself to be Harry's _best friend_. HAH, best friends don't wake each other up, in the middle of the night to talk about cheese. _Cheese!!!_ What an idiot would want to discuss the subject _cheese_ even in broad daylight, even less, in the dead of the night, huddled up in a closet? Filch's closet, to make thing worse!

So no, Harry "the miserable hero of this story" Potter, did not have a good start of the day.

----

When Ron had fulfilled his need to talk about cheese, they went back to bed. About 2 seconds later it's time for a very tired, very pissed Harry "the brilliant quidditch-player" Potter to get up, and get ready for class.

Now, since this was already an awful day to begin with, Harry "the naïve one" Potter though it just couldn't get any worse.

Oh, how wrong a person can be…

Breakfast brought another unpleasant surprise with it.

No cereal.

The horror.

Marching up to Dumbledore to get an explanation to this outrageousness, he bumps in to Professor McGonagall who informs him that a) there is no cereal because the house-elves had what they like to call a "tea party with cereal" which in reality is several hundred house-elves that feast on cereal until they are all on the verge of dying from cereal side-effects (such as suddenly believing that you are Iceland) and b) the quiddich training will be canceled due to the fact that the Weasley twins somehow managed to get the entire team (except Harry) sick and can't fix it because they keep on vomiting all over the notes with the antidote.

Furthermore, even though Harry "the unknowing" Potter thought that this was rock bottom, it kept getting worse.

After the cereal-lacking breakfast they had Potions with the Slytherins.

Oh Joyful day.

At least he got paired up with Hermione instead of Ron, who had changed subject and was now talking feverishly about the mysteries behind sliced bread. An Immensely fascinating subject.

Anyway, with the luck that Harry "the unfortunate" Potter seemed to have this day, Hermione had suddenly gone mad.

Babbling on about whether it was possible to grow eyelashes as long as normal hair, she threw a little of this and a little of that into their cauldron and managed to turn herself into a rodent.

The Slytherin's found this highly amusing. Harry too. He would never admit that, though.

The day of misery floated by including Hagrid's younger brother going on rampage in the quiddich field, Gyllenroy Lockheart returning, convinced that he was a vacuum-cleaner and a talking sheep who insisted that it was Hitler reincarnated and would destroy them all.

--

And so, finally, after an hour's worth of horror in divination, consistent with an alien, two homosexual potatoes and professor Trelawney making an accurate prediction about the future, Harry "the dumb one" Potter thought he was finally free.

And that's about the time he got called to the principal's office and handed a note saying "rock paper scissors?"

A bit confused, Harry "the pitiful child" Potter found himself in the office of the headmaster, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, wizard genius of our time, who was currently very busy arranging a bouquet placed on his desk.

_**Dumbledore, after quite the bit of coughing on Harry "the tomatoe" Potter's side, told him that he had a visitor.**_

_**The top of the iceberg.**_

_**Lord Voldemort (here referred to as "Tommy" or "Toddles") sipping tea from teacups in Victorian design with a pink daisies pattern and golden rim.**_

_**Apparently, he had wished to discuss whether Harry preferred daisies or lilies better, but then he had realised that Harry naturally would choose lilies since his mother's name was "Lily" and so, he had come by just to have a cup of tea and a biscuit, catching up a bit.**_

_**At this point Harry "the disbelieving idiot" Potter had had enough.**_

_**Running past a load of things he'd rather not have seen in his life, he made his way to the common room.**_

_**Where we found him at the beginning of this twisted story.**_

_**You really don't want to know what happened after that, but it involved fireworks, cucumber, alcohol, the two homosexual potatoes, one old rug, two teacups with lilies on, the moon, two lost house-elves high on cereal and the entire population of Russia.**_

_Xxxxxxxxxx Line. Please respect that.. or perish. xxxxxxxxxX_

_Me: aaaaall done._

_Draco: That's just plain weird._

_Me: I am just plain weird!_

_Draco: Homosexual potatoes?_

_Me: They're so CUTE!!!_

_Draco: …you mean you've actually met a couple of homosexual potatoes?_

_Me: why? You haven't?_

_Draco: …no –will never eat potatoes again-_

_--_

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_Little Chibi Luna commands youuuuu!!! Review today!!_


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